Boys - We don't have money

So we cannot marry any of Kenya’s single women

We are back with the second instalment of our assessment of the sheer immensity of the number of Kenyan women without potential marriage partners. If you'd like to fully enjoy this post, I suggest you at least browse through the results of the Daily Nation survey here and my previous post here. Besides, you're probably one of the people it affects, either as a single lady who cannot find a guy to marry her, ot a jamaa who is not ready to get married.

Let us delve straight to responses to the views of the guys.

WILLIAM MIRUGI, 26

I’m not ready for marriage yet. I have to plan my life before l make a lifetime commitment. Marriage is a very serious thing.

STIFF RESPONSE:

And you call yourself an Honourable Member of Parliament? Surely you can do better than saying you are not ready for marriage yet. Although your reasons are quite valid, you are an MP who won based on sympathy votes and a strong election machinery led by Hon Mwangi Kiunjuri (the K-street pussy snorter himself, although he bonds well with the masses). I would also say that marriage is a serious thing if I was facing a plethora of women (63% of all single Kenyan women to be precise) that have you on their sharp focus suddenly. As for planning your life, I hope that binge drinking, state orgies and such other social ills do not feature as you are now a role model in society.

Were I not a peace-loving, pleasure-seeking Kenyan, and were I not slightly under the influence when the Honourable Member of Parliament for Nakuru Town (you!)chose to interrupt my daily ritual of newspaper-surfing and internet-browsing with his comments on marriage, then there would have been little urgency to ruin my evening trying to end the dialogue no one asked you to start. Contrary to your assertion, you do not really intend to plan you life, after all your life is well cut-out as a politician. Neither are you inclined toward good, as you extend a helping hand to the Nakuru Municipal Council and the police in their mission to ensure that bread seeking boda boda operators and hawkers (most of who voted for you btw) are swept away from Nakuru town. You claim "I have to plan my life before l make a lifetime commitment" but I think you've forgotten that time during your campaigns when you said you were not married because you were still a student and now that you are back home to work for your people, you’ll make it priority to get married as soon as you were elected so that your partner can have ideas on projects to help the womenfolk in Nakuru Town. How fast politicians and voters forget! Anyway, lemme not be too hard on you as you are one of the well-educated legislators we have, and you have a bright future ahead of you.

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OMAR BASHE, 30

I am not married because it is cheaper to be single. I would like to get married when l have achieved the goals l have set.

STIFF RESPONSE:

It is cheaper to be single? With all those unplanned expenses and surging relatives? What goals have you set to attain before you get married? Fathering a handful of babies out of wedlock? Contracting many incurable diseases to transmit to your lifelong partner? Or you are not willing to leave your sorry right hand alone, even at age 30! You've probably been addicted to masturbation since you were 15 years old when you realized what you could do to that thing between your legs by yourself. And it is also likely that you’ve been apoplectic at times when you wanted to beat the pig between your legs and someone came over and kept you from doing the said pig beating, hence your fears on marriage. However, I would like to assure you, Mr. Bashie, on behalf of all those happily married men that the pig beating can continue if you want (with assistance if need be) but there are far more happier moments to look forward to in a marriage. Please attain those goals quickly and get married, Mr. Bashie.

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DAVID MAINA, 30,

Fear of HIV/Aids has discouraged me from getting married. Some of the girls l have thought of marrying decline.

STIFF RESPONSE:

It is shocking to imagine that you’ll expect a girl (one of 2.5 million!) to agree to marry you by just exercising a mere thought in that direction! Your fear of HIV is also unfounded. The entire populace with virus, unless I am wrong, is less than the total number of single women in Kenya. So stop worrying and get yourself a wife. The next thing you’ll tell us is that there is a search engine out there that does exactly the same thing as Google but we have to pay to use its services..…

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DAVID KIPROTICH, 25

I am not married because I earn very little and you know maintaining a woman is expensive. It is not a joke.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Did Missy Elliot actually say "Supa Dupa Fly"?. Maybe it’s just me but I think its stupid although it probably needed to be said. And did David Kiprotich say……..

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EMMANUEL BUREMI, 26

I do not want to marry because I am financially stable. I expect that when I am in my late 30s I will be better off than now.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Probably a typo, but I maintain that you do not need to be well-off to marry. You’ll probably prosper more if you have a partner that can help you make informed decisions. I am not going to try and cut you or your ego with words. I know you have a thick skin and a thin brain (pun intended) however, how can you plan to get married in your late thirties? Considering your age, that is more than a decade from today! I really don’t have much to say to you but you surely put George W. Bush and his ilk higher on a knowledge pedestal. I am convinced that you must be the luckiest jamaa in the world as you probably have a permanent orgasm as only a career and all day wanker would.

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EDWARD FWESA, 27

I am not yet married because l have not found the right woman. I have yet to meet someone who is serious and interested.

STIFF RESPONSE:

How do you tell if they are serious and interested? Didn’t your interviewer tell you that this is a survey on why 63% of Kenya’s 2.5 million women are single and looking for a good man to marry them hence the majority are SERIOUS? The unfortunate part of all this is that idiots like you will one day find a way of going at each other with one of those single ladies.

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WAMBUA MALING’U, 30

The insincerity upon which most modern marriages are based simply discourages me to consider marriage. It is complex.

STIFF RESPONSE:

What insincerity? I appreciate you aren't trying to be arrogant about getting married, but come on you guy, I recall reading somewhere that opinions are like assholes: everybody has one and most of them stink. If you don't like the way marriage smells then get your nose out of its ass crack. No one is forcing you to sniff it, so stop commenting on the complexities of marriage if you do not intend to play a role.

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DAN MUINDI, 24

I am not married because I am young, haven’t made enough money to even consider the idea.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Sawa, at least you are frank. However, I suspect that the reporter probably caught you in one of you sincere moments Dan. I think guys like you needed to get their backsides whooped when you were growing up, although, come to think of it, it might not be too late for you. You'd have a lot more sense to de-link marriage from making money. Hopefully, one day when you have grown up, made enough money, considered the idea and got married and have a son or daughter they will get their backsides whooped for saying some outrageous things because in turn it will make them remember that sometimes you have to deal with the consequences of what you say.

You on the other hand, it seems, have not had the chance. Let me give you that chance. I presume you hang around a small and pretty closed group of friends and you are probably a pretty quiet person out in public because ….. You know better. Such a person is called a coward by the way. I have always thought that one could be too old to fight but the older I get the more I see people like you who should've learnt a few lessons earlier, coz you'd have a bit more sense and reservation. So tell you what...The next time somebody young and ignorant says something out of character to me I’ll probably punch them straight in the face for your sake. At least that way I will be preventing a joker like you from saying the same stupid things. You are not going to meet me anytime soon but I hope that one day when you’re drunk enough you'll slip up and say some stupid things around the wrong person or people. But then again you'd only go telling the Daily Nation how ignorant those people are for beating you up bla bla bla. The things people don't do to reconcile the fact that they are stupid! You're stupid. Anyway don't take me seriously... am joking LOL....