63% of Kenya’s 2.5 million single women might stay single forever

Why? Because they can’t find someone suitable to marry.

This is not a nice post. In fact, it’s kinda cruel. On 24 December 2006, the Daily Nation published results of a poll that indicated that 63% of Kenya's single women are frustrated marriage-wise because, yeah, you guessed it; there is no man to marry them! To all the ladies who fall in the above category, this is a post on behalf of all the men around who got ticked off by that report on the Nation. I have put down three reasons I think have contributed to this huge percentage, and all I can say is that this won’t make you very happy. Especially if you are a single woman.

First of all, Happy New Year! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and are all set to embark on another gruelling year. I also hope that all if not most the 63% of Kenyan women who cannot find the right man to marry them still got laid (and paid) this Christmas. Here’s to 2007!

I know most of you will agree that what I will put down here is the truth, although you’ll still abuse me for it. However, I am doing my bit for the Kenyan woman. In the next 200 years or so, the very last weeping, half-naked thirty-something-year-old Kenyan spinster might stumble upon the ruins of the this stupid blog, and I would like her to know just where her ancestors and predecessors went wrong. Here goes:

1. Sex

I've seen far too many women in Kenya today who waste time chasing down some hot jamaa (as her gals describe him), get to know him, date him, but hold off on sex for weeks or even months, and when it finally happens, one of them ends up a complete disappointment to the other in bed.

I've heard it over and over in church that sex, unlike size, shouldn't matter. I suppose it shouldn't, in theory though. For me, I blame my libido. It wouldn’t allow me to retain interest for a woman who disappoints me sexually. The same applies for women. They listen to all that gibberish that the Frank Njengas, Oprahs and Tyras spew forth daily about getting to know each other and establishing a connection. It's overrated and we all know a relationship at its dating stages boils down to one thing and one thing only: sex. How many of you boys and girls have broken up with someone because the sex was so bad? All that song and dance leading up to sex didn't matter much anymore, did it? Most of the time, when a boy wants to date you it's because of three very simple reasons: 1) He wants to sleep with you; 2) He wants to sleep with you; and
3) He likes your "personality, character and good cheer" (aka... he likes the tilt of you bust and bum in retro and wants to sleep with you).

Those women that have wasted precious time dating and fantasizing about romance and life-time torment (i.e., marriage) will keep doing just that - fantasizing. Every day, women face situations that hold a lot of promise of happiness. Men pretend to be nice in order to get laid, while women think that these men are godsend. Either the man disappoints the woman in bed or he shows his true colours i.e. callous self and the relationship ends. This leaves the woman with a sour taste in her mouth and the next guy who comes along is scrutinised and given a lecture on how mean are dogs. This clearly leaves 63% of Kenya's single women without a marriage partner.

To those women who are reluctant to sleep with a date, I say let your inner self out to play. She has her needs and she's bound to come out sooner or later. Better now than when you're in your fifties, traumatizing your mboches, nieces and nephews while thinking that you're successfully keeping your sexual frustration under wraps. Enjoy the tight body you have now, while you still can. It's not going to last forever. And you’ll probably get married in the process, and not end up being a mere whining statistic in the Nation.

2. Religion

Couple A are very God-fearing and date for sometime before marrying and they even go for marriage classes. When they have problems, they endure months of counselling, therapy and jackassery at the church and they save their marriage. Couple B are the ideal drunks and do not bother to go to church apart for the fancy wedding. When they have problems, they do not bother to talk to anyone about them and they just go ahead get a divorce. Couple A will live happily ever-after, in that life-long torment called marriage. Man B will probably date some fresh graduate who’s more attractive and tolerating than Ex-Wife B. Man B leaves the bachelor club again and starts beautiful family with Fresh Graduate B, Ex-Wife B becomes one of the 63% tormented single Kenyan women and the cycle of life continues.

Thank you, Religion, Couple A, Fresh Graduate B and Man B.

3. Tolerance

Kenyans have become more tolerant to homosexuality and this has become a big disaster on the marriage-seekers. A few years back, in fact as recent as 5 to 10 years ago, the typical gay jamaa was getting married and having a family for appearances’ sake. Even if he didn’t enjoy a second of it, he’d sire children and maintain one of the happiest families around. Nowadays, the typical gay Kenyan man can go an entire lifetime without ejaculating inside a female, and no one will give it a second thought. There go a substantial number of men who can marry the single ladies and keep them happy as their jealousy will be focussed elsewhere.

There are many more, so feel free to add your own. I can’t go on lest I be seen to be one sided against the ladies. However, let us have a one-on-one session with the female respondents to the Nation survey:

AGNES NGUNA, 28

I haven’t found the right man and most potential suitors are not serious. They do not want to commit themselves. At the same time, l want to grow in my career first.

STIFF RESPONSE:

For starters, how do you judge a man’s seriousness? Whether he asks for sex or not? I have heard this commitment crap before, and you’ll clearly agree with me that a man will not commit to you if, from the word go you make it clear that you are after getting married kwigily. So you want to grow in your career first before getting married? Good luck! But think about your age first. Kenyan men will not want to get married to some thirty something career woman who claims to be independent and financial stable.

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LUCY WAMALWA, 28

I have many friends but I am not in any long term relationship with any of them because they are not serious about marriage. I’d however like to get married someday.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Age Lucy, age. Your age is advancing and your hairline is probably receding too. You therefore cannot afford to use terms like ‘someday’ and ‘I have many friends’. Just narrow down on one or two guys (the crème de la crème of your male friends) and work on them. You are probably not dedicating sufficient time to any of them hence you are the one that is not serious and they also lose interest. To put it loosely, you are loose, Lucy.

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LINNET MINAGE, 26

I must be very careful because I do not want to make a mistake I’ll live to regret. I don’t want a man who may turn out to be a monster. I am looking for an understanding man.

STIFF RESPONSE:

You probably watch a lot of Nigerian movies, hence your fears about getting married to gentlemonster. We all know that love is overrated, so you don’t have to be very idealistic about getting married. All men are understanding, depending on what you are talking about and in what language. No man understands that gibberish dialect called girl-speak where no means yes and every pause is pregnant.

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MERCY WANJIKO 26,

I am yet to find a suitable partner – someone who is a little older than me and financially stable. Getting a God fearing man is not easy. I do not think it’s too late.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Good girl, at least you are frank and keep looking. Your surname homes in well with the phrase you used: ‘financially stable’.

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EVELYN KURIA, 25

I don’t want to get married because the tradition is for men to marginalise women. Most modern women do not agree with this attitude and men are feeling threatened. AM a modern woman.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Modern? So because you are modern you do not want to perform your Darwinian duties? How are women marginalized by men anyway? Because there are no seats are set aside for women in parliament yet they have more votes amongst the electorate? Or because most men are the dominant partner in a marriage? Modern women are too bright to bother trying to change a man; they just accept them and let them be. You were probably disappointed by your high school boyfriend. I say shrug it off and be grateful that you're not wasting each other's time anymore. Get it out of your system until you find that one guy who’s not traditional and his conversation doesn't make you think he wants to ‘marginalise women’.

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JUNE MUTONYE, 28

Men aren’t trustworthy. They aren’t willing to take responsibility. Nowadays women are not willing to be harassed. I’d love to get married but there aren’t any candidates.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Yeah, nobody is trustworthy. By men refusing to take responsibility (read to baby-sit a 28-year old lady named June), they are harassing women? Look for a candidate to interview before it is too late. Men refuse to take responsibility (again read to baby-sit elderly women) because women let them burrow into them like pigs in a trough in the hope that the men will do as they please and bide. When this fails…. jijazie. If a man really likes a woman then you'll find him hanging around more thus ‘taking responsibility’. At the very least, he'll come back to sleep with you again. Eventually, you'll get to know each other while having fun together and not do the same tired conformity stuff to impress because you're trying to make the man take responsibility and commit to you.

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NANCY WONTITA, 25

I don’t want to get married because men are opportunists – they want to take advantage of you. Many will marry for convenience but have a sugar mummy.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Jesus! This a new one, I haven’t heard this one before, many happily married men having sugar mummies, or do you mean mistresses? I agree that most men think it is alright to fool around and women shouldn't because "he's a man and has his needs". Men like this tend to think it's okay for them to satisfy their needs "occasionally" because he has to, and it's the woman's job to stay at home. As if women don't have needs. Steer clear of such cheating men.

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MILLICENT ATIENO, 30

There are no good men left. I have observed most marriages and I am forever grateful that I am single. I’d rather be single and happy. I don’t want to.

STIFF RESPONSE:

30. 30 years is the right age to belief in being single after you realize that nobody wants to marry you anyway.

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ZAHRA IMAN, 28

In the past six months I’ve met five men who wouldn’t take HIV tests, so whom can you trust? That’s my worst fear so it’s a lot better to be single. I have no reason to.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Yenyewe you’ve been busy. Do you ask them on the first date to take these HIV tests? You should have learnt a few lessons and changed tact by the third man. No need to confine yourself to the life of a miserable spinster over your own stupidity. There is a rule known as ‘the on-not-in rule’ that some women I know observe. It goes: always practice safe sex, spit rather than swallow and let him spray on you rather than inside of you. You sound like you believe in love at first sight. You should expand your vision and believe in at first..... It happens. Most married couples around had sex within the first week after meeting each other. The bonus of tapping into each other with the one you're going out with is that you'll know firsthand whether or not you two are sexually compatible. Dating is just another form of prostitution; except it is legal and you don't always get what you pay for.

CATHERINE WANGUI, 24,

I have yet to find a man I can trust. Most men pretend to be good but end up wasting your time and abandon you when you become pregnant. I will only get married when I become financially independent.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Read the response to June Mutonye above coz it seems you two suffer from the same affliction despite the age difference.

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MARY CHAURA, 23

Marriage is no guarantee of happiness. There are so many marriages breaking up and l am afraid that l might become another victim. In the meantime, I want to be able to make enough money.

STIFF RESPONSE:

To say the truth, you sound frank and a kinda nice lady. At your age, I say work hard and learn the ropes and you’ll probably get a good man to make you happy and spend your money.

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DORCAS WANJIKU, 24

People should not get married before they are 30 years old and over. By then, the couple is more mature and can be able to resolve various problems that arise in marriage.

I do not wish to get married.

STIFF RESPONSE:

To prescribe the rules of marriage to all and sundry and round it off by saying that you do not wish to get married is just plain lame. Are you a feminist?

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MARGARET CHESARO, 25

I do not want to be stigmatised. The society despises single women. I am still single because I have to settle down first and achieve my goals. I also believe I am still young but soon, I have to make my life complete.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Good, at least you sound sober. But don’t fear society and live the life you want, after all life is short and you only live once.

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CECILIA MWENDE, 26

I am not the type to rush into marriage which might end up in separation. Marriage is the last thing on my mind. But it is a necessity now because as a way of reducing chances of contracting the HIV/Aids virus.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Another sober lady. I hope you get a good and faithful man to make you happy.

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TERESIA WAIRIMU, 26

I first want to enjoy my life before I commit my life to somebody who will not guarantee total freedom to do as I want, when l want! I am not in a hurry to settle down.

STIFF RESPONSE:

You should be, even if it means settling down solo.

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FLORA NAITORE, 22

I am not married because I am still very young. I am also discouraged by what I see round me, relationships are taken for granted. My worst fear is to get married and then be left alone to raise children.

STIFF RESPONSE:

No need to get paranoid (esp at your tender age) about getting divorced and left alone to raise children. Kenyan courts have become empowered and transparent and we even have a family court division headed by Martha Koome formerly the feminist-in-chief at FIDA and Martha Karua’s sidekick. You’ll squeeze the poor guy dry, trust me.

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ELIZABETH SUMBA

I am single because I haven’t met anybody who I find suitable and worth my lifelong commitment. Most of the men are just jokers. I would like to get married but even if l remain single, it will not bother me.

STIFF RESPONSE:

‘…if l remain single, it will not bother me.’ And yet here you are commenting on it so it bothers you. No wonder you haven’t revealed your age, or Nation held it back in public interest, coz your picture in the print edition makes you look like you are past 35 and you’ve lost appeal and probably all your vitality and virility too.

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CONSOLATA RIMBERIA, 26

Marriage is not something to just rush into haphazardly. The reason am not married is because I like to take my time to get to know somebody. I want to be sure that there are no surprises for me.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Read a lot of Mills and Boon back in the day, didn’t you? Love, as we all know is overrated. I read on wikipedia that a molecule known as the Nerve Growth Factor is at its highest levels when two people fall in love; and it lasts about a year. It's a chemical reaction and it's all in our heads. If it's meant to be, love will happen regardless of whether you get to know each other before having sex and getting married. Having sex before wasting time getting to know each other will only bring you closer together - literally if not emotionally - in a more relaxed state, and therefore you're more likely to be yourselves, know each other and get married without any pretence involved.

PS: Next, we’ll tackle these men who responded to Nation survey one-by-one. Happy 2007 once again, and don’t stay single!