Double trouble in my head

Surprise, it's already morning, and you've probably been wondering why you are still on blogsphere, knowing that it is likely some IT police are watching your actions in virtual hell. Well, wonder no more, your update is here. Sorry I'm late, but I'm in a bit of a hurry, so try to keep up. Ready. Set.

Go.

The butterflies in my stomach are flapping their wings, ready for flight, massaging the walls of my empty stomach, making me slither in silent and painless pain and sink further into my seat and wish I could slither across the floor. The new guy seated across the room from me pays no attention as my boss shouts at me, and why should he? Deadlines aren’t his problem, they probably never have been. The deadlines are my problem. The world is coming to a probable end. Rabid killers invading colleges in the USA, Mungiki and other bandits killing Kenyans at will. The children are hungry in Darfur, South Africans are losing their pay TV monopoly in Africa, politicians are flipping on their beds restlessly as they wait for nothing, and Harambee Stars are being torn apart in the soccer pitch. Women bitching about their rights and the pro-lifers and the pro-abortionists are killing each other at mock tribunals and the only purpose a belt serves these days is to keep your pants from falling down around your ankles, which is where the trouble started in the first place.

This is Nairobi in its own winter. Nairobi, the city where the money goes away before you even call the barman and you sleep on opposite sides of the bed. What happened to the breeze of Nairobi fascination, when a well dressed babe was still intriguing and a cold beer didn't hurt so bad? Listless in the doldrums, awaiting the breeze of Easter or another national day weekend to fill our sails, to push us toward the coast where the fat old foreigners are swimming and seducing young school-going-age-girls. Bruises and scrapes and wet bandages at Bob’s bar later, we return to our hotel rooms, wait for the sun to fall, and stumble around in the consequent darkness, having forgotten our way around the coastal city.

Stretch me on the rack of Nairobi’s fake fad that is the so-called hip hop culture, pop my shoulders and hips from their sockets, let me scream and die the glorious death. Babe and friends watch from afar and wince with understanding. We tread the streets in a storm of humanity in a fake dress code and fake stock prices, dynamically generated websites and repetitive news clippings. The long and the short shall suffice, the fact that we are all dying, as our fathers died before us and their fathers died before them, tending to the shallow dry field of relationships in which only a few sprouts take root and start to crawl. These are our children, our crop and harvest, the blankets we need as we grow old and cold at night.

You know, the quagmire of daily existence can become too much for a mere man to endure. Finding your ideal job and abode in Nairobi does not necessarily mean you've found peace, especially when an entourage of weary-eyed vampires has taken roost in your suicide tree and their only remaining glee is to see how much of your blood they can draw. Bad news finds its way in from every direction. Knock on the door. Letters arriving from the post office or an e-mail tirade or even a text message blitz. And if, on any given day of the week, more than two of the following parties have already called and left a message or you have a missed call, you should probably leave town, change cell numbers, or both:

Your ex-girlfriend, some of your relatives, your ex-girlfriend’s best friend, a lawyer, a debt collector an insurance assessor and your local barman.

So what do you do when all of these people demand your attention, answers, time, money, and otherwise at once? Leave. You run like the building is on fire. And with all the romance and subtlety of a rock flying through a glass window, I am absconding the city for the cold homely sanctuary of the jungle that is the Mau forest in the Rift Valley this coming weekend.

After all, sometimes the frying pan is cooler than the fire.

Lemme reintroduce myself……

It's been a few months - did you miss me? What? No?

Frankly speaking, it’s been a while since I’ve graced blogsphere with my stupid musings. My colleagues and fellow drunkards have had a hard time bearing the brunt of the listening to my idle ranting and maybe I should thank them publicly for their time.

You’ll have to bear with me; I have to admit that I am totally rusted. Since the last time I wrote here, I have been locked in a virtual cage, engaged in a mortal kombat with my addiction to alcohol. Not having access to the liquid in brown bottles in the name of detoxing my system, I started debating the jurisprudence of starting other bad habits such as going to the gym, eating healthy and walking up the stairs to my office.

After twitching through more than thirty days and four torturous weekends of withdrawal, I awoke one Saturday morning to birds chirping outside my window. An unusual occurrence, being used to noisy car alarms and noisy children, I sat up, took a deep breath, and, lo-and-behold, I didn’t belch, my head was as clear as a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka (pun intended, of course) and I could remember what I did on Christmas day last year. Amazingly regenerative, the human body is. Four solid years of binge drinking every other weekend, and I was already feeling a difference after only five weeks detoxification. I spent the entire day jogging my memory and running errands for the house.

Truly, I hadn’t felt so clean in years, and I will go on record saying that alcohol does affect the health of the body, despite my prior assertions that the responsible drinking movement is just a conspiracy by the social rejects at Nacada, jealous of how cool, sexy, and mature sitting in a bar having a beer makes me appear. Apparently, those guys are on to something. Too bad they lost another convert when a long lost friend of mine rolled into town from North Eastern with a bottle Three Barrels under his arm. I didn’t ask where he got it, I just unlush two glasses and some ice and were we in business. The neighbours, who’d started being nice to me, offering me friendly smiles and saying hi occasionally, have now gone back to their old ways. It must have been the loud music/laughter of that day (and night!) and subsequent days (and nights!).

I’ve taken quite kindly to a new watering hole here in Nairobi. Mind you, it takes quite a bit of atmosphere, a very large babe-quotient and really cold beer for yours truly to belly up at a new establishment and feel at home. This new place, called Taidy’s, has it all. They’ve got good music, better than average bar food, it happens to be owned by a jamaa from the Rift Valley like me and of course it has got its share of fellow jerks with stories to tell and also willing to listen to my rants and look forward to random bitching from babes. Not to say it beats The Ale House but that is a story for another day. One of them came up with a new term the other day – flirtilicious – to describe a lady he found attractive. He often uses this term to compliment babes he’s trying to seduce. Sample this...

"Hey gal, you look flirtilicious tonight. Can I buy you a drink?"

One night, when I was moments from falling out of my chair, drunk as a weasel, a really drunk guy ambled into the bar and screamed. A long harrowing-high-pitched scream. When the bar fell silent and every one stared at him, he asked (loose translation):

What are you guys staring at? Our country is run by a drunkard!

The guy was a total mess I tell you. So one of the guys in our table starts talking about Kenya's inane politics. He says oh bla bla we are forced to bear with all the appointments and policies that the big man throws our way every now and then sijui nini. Like I cared. But in my drunken stupor, I agreed with him. I know, I know, if I don't like my country and the current economic growth, tribal wars, Mungiki beheadings and all the dirty horse-donkey (okay, mule) politics, I should just pack up and go. Well, just know that I can’t. First, I am too lazy to look for another job abroad. Secondly, well, I'm too lazy to think of anything else!

But I digress.

So this drunken guy looks around then walks to some chicks at a table and bursts into tears and all but one scramble to leave hastily. The waiter comes for payment and a bouncer follows, restrains the chicks who wanted to leave and asks them to pay up. Apparently, they had been drinking with the noisy guy at a nearby pub and they ran off when he got so drunk and out of hand. When means of going home got tricky, one of the ladies (apparently his cousin!) sent him a text telling him to come pick her. One of the others was his arranged date for the night and she actually had to intervene and save the situation from turning sour after all the patrons and bouncers started laughing when the drunk guy started recounting how he had been ‘used’ and his money ‘eaten’ by his cousin who had earlier arranged a date for him etc etc…

The good news is that they eventually settled down and started talking animatedly and the drunk guy cuddled with his date, obviously after the ringleader of the chicks left in a huff after her protestations at the jamaa’z ‘invasion’ of their table fell on deaf ears, her friends’ and bouncers included. The things that don’t happen in bars!

Stay drunk.….

Prison break, Kenyan style

First, it may be appropriate and courteous of me to apologize for being off air for such a long time. Secondly, I want to clarify that contrary to your belief over the subject of this post, I had not been incarcerated and neither am I being pursued by the Kenya Police! There are reasons as to why I have been MIA since January and within the next couple of weeks; I will bring you up to speed on some of my tribulations.

There comes a time (not my words, so don’t read my lips!), sometimes many, in life, where your common sense and intellect, are at odds with each other as you battle your demons. That is acceptable. However, when the same happens to an organisation, it surely leaves a lot to be desired. The following post tells of such a time in the life of the Prisons Department and the Kenyan security and justice system in general.

The punishment of criminals should be of use; when a man is hanged he is good for nothing.
- Voltaire

Life imprisonment. Death penalty. Serving time in a Kenyan jail. Eternity far away from the vagaries of Kenyan life, and in the real sense of the word, ridiculous. Many Kenyans have never been very good at counting time, let alone keeping it. People wear watches because they have to, pay attention to the calendar because their jobs, banks, schools and mistresses make them do so. Now imagine yourself behind bars for life or awaiting the hangman’s noose. It’s either you will not take your eyes off the non-existent clock or make yourself lose track of time by counting time backwards. The days will definitely get longer if you are serving a life term, and the reverse is true for the death penalty.

Hon. Moody Awori, you had it coming.

There are certain things that happen at the intersection of certain events: upon "stepping on to the highway" and "speeding trailer coming down the same," we find the subject being run over. Ditto the intersection of "jumping forward" and "standing on the rooftop of a tall building" - there are certain expectations of result. Is it fair that someone who jumps off a tall building should plummet hundreds of feet to their death?

You are probably wondering why I am asking this question. Fairness has nothing to do with most elements of life - such as throwing yourself off a tall building. There you're engaging gravity, under the direct guidance of Darwinian evolution - you're naturally deselecting yourself from the gene pool. The question of "fairness" is one for intellectuals to debate over in lecture hall in one of Kenya’s universities; the question of what will happen in certain obvious situations, though, is more a matter of basic science and logic.

Take the case of the Prisons department case in Nakuru for example: Five convicts escaped from tight custody at 2 AM, scaled a fence using a blanket and disappeared into the night. There is a certain expectation that when convicts escape from custody, a manhunt should ensue right away, all roads sealed off and cars searched. Other should mount foot pursuit with sniffer dogs to trace the convicts. Are the Kenya Police and the prison’s department running an experiment on the justice system?

The security personnel were still searching houses late Sunday close to the prisons after a car sped off from the scene at 2 AM, suspected to be carrying the escapees. There was no roadblock into and out of Nakuru all day Sunday. I know this because I was there. The police were looking in the traditional places for the suspects. We all know that the police chase running things like dogs chase fleeing cats - dogs have no inherent interest in cats, but if they run away, something snaps in their brains. So the police are looking for fleeing inmates dressed in the new look uniform because something has snapped in their minds. Nobody else is a suspect. This has nothing to do with the efficiency or fairness of the Kenyan security apparatus, no; it has to do with the evolution of men into Kenyan police.

Why did the Commissioner of Prisons and other senior officers to rush to Nakuru, hold a four hour meeting debating on who let the convicts escape, suspend six officers, and then address the press rather direct and lead the search operation, call in the rest of the security teams like CID and NSIS to gather intelligence around the area? Isn’t that how a search for escaped dangerous convicts is supposed to be carried out? Not from a boardroom. Not by deploying more officers to search and subdue prisoners under incarceration than those searching for the dangerous escapees. Not by leaving all routes out of Nakuru unmanned and then searching houses, starting from the prison’s neighbourhood at a slow pace, expecting the escapees are moving at your pace as well. Oh, I almost forgot, and after a car sped off from the scene!

Everyone suspects that there was assistance from some of the wardens, and probably the gunfire was ‘friendly fire’. And why shouldn’t the wardens help them escape at the right price? When you earn little money for in a difficult job, and look forward to very little pension as well, you may need to consider your options at making it, moneywise at least, in life. That is why the Kenyan security forces have so many rotten apples. While Hon. Moody Awori was busy trying to turn the Kenyan prisons into a chain of resort hotels funded entirely by taxpaying citizens in an effort to keep undesirables off of our lives, he forgot the officers who are supposed to make the system work. The prisoners now watch telly, and most of the officers who watch over of them can’t. Prisoners eat three meals a day and while this is an entitlement, most of the officers cannot afford to. The prisoners have a better life than the wardens in certain instances. No wonder some of the wardens pointed an accusing finger at the Kenya Human Rights Commission fo fighting for the rights and welfare of the prisoners only.

You do not lead by hitting people over the head - that's assault, not leadership.
--Dwight D. Eisenhower

Hon. Moody Awori tried to force the warders to do a good job on the terms they have always had. He refined the system so that there was no opportunity for the officers to make an extra cent on the side. Did Moody Awori get what he deserved? Is it fair that six prison wardens are suspended? [Out of context alert] was Matheri Ikere’s shooting fair to him and his family? I'm not touching those issues, even with a stick; mainly because I don't have sufficient information to comment. But, I’ll tell you this: it wasn't fair, 'cause fairness has nothing to do with cause and effect. You jump off a tall building, and you fall down to a certain death. You let prisoners escape, you face the axe, you kill Kenyans at will and you get shot. Anybody can solve that equation.

Another argument here is that by suspending the warders and eventually sacking them, and yet they are suspected of having links with the criminal underworld, isn’t the prisons department releasing another contingent of gun trained and dangerous people to the Kenyan public? They will most likely hook up with their pals in the underworld and form a formidable gang to terrorise Kenyans.

Or what do you think is going to happen?

Please visit ValerieKimani.com

I was going to post a real interesting post for you guys to enjoy today... you know, those ones where I engage readers in insightful literary discourse, offer interesting and captivating intellectual banter, or at least make a few remarks that may contribute to the country’s economic growth. But an emergency has come up, and as StackOfStiffys, the lewd one, I know it's my duty to take care of business. So I'm putting the interesting post off for a day or two and we're going to deal with this situation.

Someone's named Valerie Kimani is trying to become an internet celebrity. This is unacceptable. Go KBW, go! Click here to go to ValeriKimani.com and tell her how you feel and stop her from embarking on an unofficial and irrelevant exercise in shame of the Kenyan nation and the East African spirit. She already has it on her mind that she is famous all over East Africa and now she wants cyberspace. First we'll stop blogging on KBW, African Path and Nchi Yetu to start rubbing our G-spots (as Aegeus & Ichiena look for theirs in vain of course) in the forums at ValerieKimani.com and the next thing you know, KBW, African Path and Nchi Yetu is going to join the likes of Africa Online in the big bound and dusty book of Internet obscurity. You’ll probably think that I am going over the top but I don't mean to be an alarmist, but you'll agree that blogging is somewhere on the top 10 in my StackListOfAddictions, one spot after beer and about one thousand spots ahead of the church and politics.

Everyone knows that in order to be a superb performing artist, you need, among other things, to be confident and talented. However, what people might not understand is how one directly leads to the other. Using a bit more logic than Valerie logic, you can probably guess having the same amount of confidence and even an ounce more in talent than Valerie Kimani every time she stepped on stage during the recently concluded Tusker Project Fame (more like a Protected Flame, a candle in the wind) isn't going to do anything to make your fan base believe that you are talented.

Obviously, and more sadly though, God, Ngai Allah, Jehovah, Shiva, Buddha, Mungu, Musambwa, Krishna, The Great Architect of the Universe, The Grand Artificer, Great Geometer, or The Grand Master of the Grand Lodge Above (emphases mine), Vishnu, Yahweh or whatever deity you'd like to pin Valerie Kimani’s misfortunes on, gave her (and indeed only a select few of us!) the talent and confidence required to be a superb artist. She sound more like she is a tented bar in Eastlands flapping against the wind to make some music so that bar patrons can spend more. However, she shouldn't worry... she has plenty of options.

Considering that her fan base, as far I am concerned and have experienced so far, is with the little rich kids across the corner from your neighbourhood, she should just go and serve them at The Splash Water World. I can picture her roasting sausages in the area next to the playground or better still poising an aiding archery target (in no regalia hopefully, although there is nothing to look forward in that ominous forehead and almost non existent boobies) in the archery range (Archer are you listening Mzeeiyas?). She can also be a cashier at the main bar.

For those who have never experienced what goes on with those rich kids and tired ols farts and hags at Splash, lemme break it down for you. People usually just carry an extra bag to store all of their stuff as they surf n’ ride the imaginary waves in the Nairobi Beach at Splash and only take money with them. That said, when a human being approaches the main bar to buy a drink wearing either a bikini for the ladies or some assorted mitumba micro-apparel for the man and they aren’t holding any money in their hands and he/she wants a beer, there are only two places where the woman can remove the money from. The first one is slightly less disturbing than the second, and the second, which is the only place the men can keep their money, is more horrifying and disturbing. What would Valerie do when a hairy-chested man extends his hands to the second spot and extracts some notes from his genital region and asks for a Tusker (pun intended!)? Or one of the many fat Nairobi women extracts from her crotch a folded and dripping wet glob of coloured paper that makes the situation it look more like a Kenyan politician has been nabbed by KACC and dropped a load of shit in their pants rather than some currency notes on the counter.

So go to ValeriKimani.com and do your worst, ladies and gentlemen. I don't for the love of Tusker care if you tell her the truth or a pack of lies, it is all the same. And be sure to go to the ‘Talk About Valerie’ forum and verbally beat the daylights out of Valerie, the administrator and the moderator and all her finger licking fans. Once you are done, go to the empty (or ‘empte’ as Marcus would put it) Wikipedia entry on Valerie Kimani and do your worst also. As far as I'm concerned, an entry for Valerie Kimani on Wikipedia should be as shallow as possible on her talent, intellect and confidence and be as detailed as possible on how a slutilicious, bootyless and flat chested wannabe won an internationally acclaimed show in the Star Academy series, much to the chagrin and shame of the respectable residents of East Africa.

Boys - We don't have money

So we cannot marry any of Kenya’s single women

We are back with the second instalment of our assessment of the sheer immensity of the number of Kenyan women without potential marriage partners. If you'd like to fully enjoy this post, I suggest you at least browse through the results of the Daily Nation survey here and my previous post here. Besides, you're probably one of the people it affects, either as a single lady who cannot find a guy to marry her, ot a jamaa who is not ready to get married.

Let us delve straight to responses to the views of the guys.

WILLIAM MIRUGI, 26

I’m not ready for marriage yet. I have to plan my life before l make a lifetime commitment. Marriage is a very serious thing.

STIFF RESPONSE:

And you call yourself an Honourable Member of Parliament? Surely you can do better than saying you are not ready for marriage yet. Although your reasons are quite valid, you are an MP who won based on sympathy votes and a strong election machinery led by Hon Mwangi Kiunjuri (the K-street pussy snorter himself, although he bonds well with the masses). I would also say that marriage is a serious thing if I was facing a plethora of women (63% of all single Kenyan women to be precise) that have you on their sharp focus suddenly. As for planning your life, I hope that binge drinking, state orgies and such other social ills do not feature as you are now a role model in society.

Were I not a peace-loving, pleasure-seeking Kenyan, and were I not slightly under the influence when the Honourable Member of Parliament for Nakuru Town (you!)chose to interrupt my daily ritual of newspaper-surfing and internet-browsing with his comments on marriage, then there would have been little urgency to ruin my evening trying to end the dialogue no one asked you to start. Contrary to your assertion, you do not really intend to plan you life, after all your life is well cut-out as a politician. Neither are you inclined toward good, as you extend a helping hand to the Nakuru Municipal Council and the police in their mission to ensure that bread seeking boda boda operators and hawkers (most of who voted for you btw) are swept away from Nakuru town. You claim "I have to plan my life before l make a lifetime commitment" but I think you've forgotten that time during your campaigns when you said you were not married because you were still a student and now that you are back home to work for your people, you’ll make it priority to get married as soon as you were elected so that your partner can have ideas on projects to help the womenfolk in Nakuru Town. How fast politicians and voters forget! Anyway, lemme not be too hard on you as you are one of the well-educated legislators we have, and you have a bright future ahead of you.

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OMAR BASHE, 30

I am not married because it is cheaper to be single. I would like to get married when l have achieved the goals l have set.

STIFF RESPONSE:

It is cheaper to be single? With all those unplanned expenses and surging relatives? What goals have you set to attain before you get married? Fathering a handful of babies out of wedlock? Contracting many incurable diseases to transmit to your lifelong partner? Or you are not willing to leave your sorry right hand alone, even at age 30! You've probably been addicted to masturbation since you were 15 years old when you realized what you could do to that thing between your legs by yourself. And it is also likely that you’ve been apoplectic at times when you wanted to beat the pig between your legs and someone came over and kept you from doing the said pig beating, hence your fears on marriage. However, I would like to assure you, Mr. Bashie, on behalf of all those happily married men that the pig beating can continue if you want (with assistance if need be) but there are far more happier moments to look forward to in a marriage. Please attain those goals quickly and get married, Mr. Bashie.

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DAVID MAINA, 30,

Fear of HIV/Aids has discouraged me from getting married. Some of the girls l have thought of marrying decline.

STIFF RESPONSE:

It is shocking to imagine that you’ll expect a girl (one of 2.5 million!) to agree to marry you by just exercising a mere thought in that direction! Your fear of HIV is also unfounded. The entire populace with virus, unless I am wrong, is less than the total number of single women in Kenya. So stop worrying and get yourself a wife. The next thing you’ll tell us is that there is a search engine out there that does exactly the same thing as Google but we have to pay to use its services..…

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DAVID KIPROTICH, 25

I am not married because I earn very little and you know maintaining a woman is expensive. It is not a joke.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Did Missy Elliot actually say "Supa Dupa Fly"?. Maybe it’s just me but I think its stupid although it probably needed to be said. And did David Kiprotich say……..

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EMMANUEL BUREMI, 26

I do not want to marry because I am financially stable. I expect that when I am in my late 30s I will be better off than now.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Probably a typo, but I maintain that you do not need to be well-off to marry. You’ll probably prosper more if you have a partner that can help you make informed decisions. I am not going to try and cut you or your ego with words. I know you have a thick skin and a thin brain (pun intended) however, how can you plan to get married in your late thirties? Considering your age, that is more than a decade from today! I really don’t have much to say to you but you surely put George W. Bush and his ilk higher on a knowledge pedestal. I am convinced that you must be the luckiest jamaa in the world as you probably have a permanent orgasm as only a career and all day wanker would.

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EDWARD FWESA, 27

I am not yet married because l have not found the right woman. I have yet to meet someone who is serious and interested.

STIFF RESPONSE:

How do you tell if they are serious and interested? Didn’t your interviewer tell you that this is a survey on why 63% of Kenya’s 2.5 million women are single and looking for a good man to marry them hence the majority are SERIOUS? The unfortunate part of all this is that idiots like you will one day find a way of going at each other with one of those single ladies.

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WAMBUA MALING’U, 30

The insincerity upon which most modern marriages are based simply discourages me to consider marriage. It is complex.

STIFF RESPONSE:

What insincerity? I appreciate you aren't trying to be arrogant about getting married, but come on you guy, I recall reading somewhere that opinions are like assholes: everybody has one and most of them stink. If you don't like the way marriage smells then get your nose out of its ass crack. No one is forcing you to sniff it, so stop commenting on the complexities of marriage if you do not intend to play a role.

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DAN MUINDI, 24

I am not married because I am young, haven’t made enough money to even consider the idea.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Sawa, at least you are frank. However, I suspect that the reporter probably caught you in one of you sincere moments Dan. I think guys like you needed to get their backsides whooped when you were growing up, although, come to think of it, it might not be too late for you. You'd have a lot more sense to de-link marriage from making money. Hopefully, one day when you have grown up, made enough money, considered the idea and got married and have a son or daughter they will get their backsides whooped for saying some outrageous things because in turn it will make them remember that sometimes you have to deal with the consequences of what you say.

You on the other hand, it seems, have not had the chance. Let me give you that chance. I presume you hang around a small and pretty closed group of friends and you are probably a pretty quiet person out in public because ….. You know better. Such a person is called a coward by the way. I have always thought that one could be too old to fight but the older I get the more I see people like you who should've learnt a few lessons earlier, coz you'd have a bit more sense and reservation. So tell you what...The next time somebody young and ignorant says something out of character to me I’ll probably punch them straight in the face for your sake. At least that way I will be preventing a joker like you from saying the same stupid things. You are not going to meet me anytime soon but I hope that one day when you’re drunk enough you'll slip up and say some stupid things around the wrong person or people. But then again you'd only go telling the Daily Nation how ignorant those people are for beating you up bla bla bla. The things people don't do to reconcile the fact that they are stupid! You're stupid. Anyway don't take me seriously... am joking LOL....

63% of Kenya’s 2.5 million single women might stay single forever

Why? Because they can’t find someone suitable to marry.

This is not a nice post. In fact, it’s kinda cruel. On 24 December 2006, the Daily Nation published results of a poll that indicated that 63% of Kenya's single women are frustrated marriage-wise because, yeah, you guessed it; there is no man to marry them! To all the ladies who fall in the above category, this is a post on behalf of all the men around who got ticked off by that report on the Nation. I have put down three reasons I think have contributed to this huge percentage, and all I can say is that this won’t make you very happy. Especially if you are a single woman.

First of all, Happy New Year! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and are all set to embark on another gruelling year. I also hope that all if not most the 63% of Kenyan women who cannot find the right man to marry them still got laid (and paid) this Christmas. Here’s to 2007!

I know most of you will agree that what I will put down here is the truth, although you’ll still abuse me for it. However, I am doing my bit for the Kenyan woman. In the next 200 years or so, the very last weeping, half-naked thirty-something-year-old Kenyan spinster might stumble upon the ruins of the this stupid blog, and I would like her to know just where her ancestors and predecessors went wrong. Here goes:

1. Sex

I've seen far too many women in Kenya today who waste time chasing down some hot jamaa (as her gals describe him), get to know him, date him, but hold off on sex for weeks or even months, and when it finally happens, one of them ends up a complete disappointment to the other in bed.

I've heard it over and over in church that sex, unlike size, shouldn't matter. I suppose it shouldn't, in theory though. For me, I blame my libido. It wouldn’t allow me to retain interest for a woman who disappoints me sexually. The same applies for women. They listen to all that gibberish that the Frank Njengas, Oprahs and Tyras spew forth daily about getting to know each other and establishing a connection. It's overrated and we all know a relationship at its dating stages boils down to one thing and one thing only: sex. How many of you boys and girls have broken up with someone because the sex was so bad? All that song and dance leading up to sex didn't matter much anymore, did it? Most of the time, when a boy wants to date you it's because of three very simple reasons: 1) He wants to sleep with you; 2) He wants to sleep with you; and
3) He likes your "personality, character and good cheer" (aka... he likes the tilt of you bust and bum in retro and wants to sleep with you).

Those women that have wasted precious time dating and fantasizing about romance and life-time torment (i.e., marriage) will keep doing just that - fantasizing. Every day, women face situations that hold a lot of promise of happiness. Men pretend to be nice in order to get laid, while women think that these men are godsend. Either the man disappoints the woman in bed or he shows his true colours i.e. callous self and the relationship ends. This leaves the woman with a sour taste in her mouth and the next guy who comes along is scrutinised and given a lecture on how mean are dogs. This clearly leaves 63% of Kenya's single women without a marriage partner.

To those women who are reluctant to sleep with a date, I say let your inner self out to play. She has her needs and she's bound to come out sooner or later. Better now than when you're in your fifties, traumatizing your mboches, nieces and nephews while thinking that you're successfully keeping your sexual frustration under wraps. Enjoy the tight body you have now, while you still can. It's not going to last forever. And you’ll probably get married in the process, and not end up being a mere whining statistic in the Nation.

2. Religion

Couple A are very God-fearing and date for sometime before marrying and they even go for marriage classes. When they have problems, they endure months of counselling, therapy and jackassery at the church and they save their marriage. Couple B are the ideal drunks and do not bother to go to church apart for the fancy wedding. When they have problems, they do not bother to talk to anyone about them and they just go ahead get a divorce. Couple A will live happily ever-after, in that life-long torment called marriage. Man B will probably date some fresh graduate who’s more attractive and tolerating than Ex-Wife B. Man B leaves the bachelor club again and starts beautiful family with Fresh Graduate B, Ex-Wife B becomes one of the 63% tormented single Kenyan women and the cycle of life continues.

Thank you, Religion, Couple A, Fresh Graduate B and Man B.

3. Tolerance

Kenyans have become more tolerant to homosexuality and this has become a big disaster on the marriage-seekers. A few years back, in fact as recent as 5 to 10 years ago, the typical gay jamaa was getting married and having a family for appearances’ sake. Even if he didn’t enjoy a second of it, he’d sire children and maintain one of the happiest families around. Nowadays, the typical gay Kenyan man can go an entire lifetime without ejaculating inside a female, and no one will give it a second thought. There go a substantial number of men who can marry the single ladies and keep them happy as their jealousy will be focussed elsewhere.

There are many more, so feel free to add your own. I can’t go on lest I be seen to be one sided against the ladies. However, let us have a one-on-one session with the female respondents to the Nation survey:

AGNES NGUNA, 28

I haven’t found the right man and most potential suitors are not serious. They do not want to commit themselves. At the same time, l want to grow in my career first.

STIFF RESPONSE:

For starters, how do you judge a man’s seriousness? Whether he asks for sex or not? I have heard this commitment crap before, and you’ll clearly agree with me that a man will not commit to you if, from the word go you make it clear that you are after getting married kwigily. So you want to grow in your career first before getting married? Good luck! But think about your age first. Kenyan men will not want to get married to some thirty something career woman who claims to be independent and financial stable.

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LUCY WAMALWA, 28

I have many friends but I am not in any long term relationship with any of them because they are not serious about marriage. I’d however like to get married someday.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Age Lucy, age. Your age is advancing and your hairline is probably receding too. You therefore cannot afford to use terms like ‘someday’ and ‘I have many friends’. Just narrow down on one or two guys (the crème de la crème of your male friends) and work on them. You are probably not dedicating sufficient time to any of them hence you are the one that is not serious and they also lose interest. To put it loosely, you are loose, Lucy.

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LINNET MINAGE, 26

I must be very careful because I do not want to make a mistake I’ll live to regret. I don’t want a man who may turn out to be a monster. I am looking for an understanding man.

STIFF RESPONSE:

You probably watch a lot of Nigerian movies, hence your fears about getting married to gentlemonster. We all know that love is overrated, so you don’t have to be very idealistic about getting married. All men are understanding, depending on what you are talking about and in what language. No man understands that gibberish dialect called girl-speak where no means yes and every pause is pregnant.

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MERCY WANJIKO 26,

I am yet to find a suitable partner – someone who is a little older than me and financially stable. Getting a God fearing man is not easy. I do not think it’s too late.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Good girl, at least you are frank and keep looking. Your surname homes in well with the phrase you used: ‘financially stable’.

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EVELYN KURIA, 25

I don’t want to get married because the tradition is for men to marginalise women. Most modern women do not agree with this attitude and men are feeling threatened. AM a modern woman.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Modern? So because you are modern you do not want to perform your Darwinian duties? How are women marginalized by men anyway? Because there are no seats are set aside for women in parliament yet they have more votes amongst the electorate? Or because most men are the dominant partner in a marriage? Modern women are too bright to bother trying to change a man; they just accept them and let them be. You were probably disappointed by your high school boyfriend. I say shrug it off and be grateful that you're not wasting each other's time anymore. Get it out of your system until you find that one guy who’s not traditional and his conversation doesn't make you think he wants to ‘marginalise women’.

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JUNE MUTONYE, 28

Men aren’t trustworthy. They aren’t willing to take responsibility. Nowadays women are not willing to be harassed. I’d love to get married but there aren’t any candidates.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Yeah, nobody is trustworthy. By men refusing to take responsibility (read to baby-sit a 28-year old lady named June), they are harassing women? Look for a candidate to interview before it is too late. Men refuse to take responsibility (again read to baby-sit elderly women) because women let them burrow into them like pigs in a trough in the hope that the men will do as they please and bide. When this fails…. jijazie. If a man really likes a woman then you'll find him hanging around more thus ‘taking responsibility’. At the very least, he'll come back to sleep with you again. Eventually, you'll get to know each other while having fun together and not do the same tired conformity stuff to impress because you're trying to make the man take responsibility and commit to you.

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NANCY WONTITA, 25

I don’t want to get married because men are opportunists – they want to take advantage of you. Many will marry for convenience but have a sugar mummy.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Jesus! This a new one, I haven’t heard this one before, many happily married men having sugar mummies, or do you mean mistresses? I agree that most men think it is alright to fool around and women shouldn't because "he's a man and has his needs". Men like this tend to think it's okay for them to satisfy their needs "occasionally" because he has to, and it's the woman's job to stay at home. As if women don't have needs. Steer clear of such cheating men.

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MILLICENT ATIENO, 30

There are no good men left. I have observed most marriages and I am forever grateful that I am single. I’d rather be single and happy. I don’t want to.

STIFF RESPONSE:

30. 30 years is the right age to belief in being single after you realize that nobody wants to marry you anyway.

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ZAHRA IMAN, 28

In the past six months I’ve met five men who wouldn’t take HIV tests, so whom can you trust? That’s my worst fear so it’s a lot better to be single. I have no reason to.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Yenyewe you’ve been busy. Do you ask them on the first date to take these HIV tests? You should have learnt a few lessons and changed tact by the third man. No need to confine yourself to the life of a miserable spinster over your own stupidity. There is a rule known as ‘the on-not-in rule’ that some women I know observe. It goes: always practice safe sex, spit rather than swallow and let him spray on you rather than inside of you. You sound like you believe in love at first sight. You should expand your vision and believe in at first..... It happens. Most married couples around had sex within the first week after meeting each other. The bonus of tapping into each other with the one you're going out with is that you'll know firsthand whether or not you two are sexually compatible. Dating is just another form of prostitution; except it is legal and you don't always get what you pay for.

CATHERINE WANGUI, 24,

I have yet to find a man I can trust. Most men pretend to be good but end up wasting your time and abandon you when you become pregnant. I will only get married when I become financially independent.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Read the response to June Mutonye above coz it seems you two suffer from the same affliction despite the age difference.

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MARY CHAURA, 23

Marriage is no guarantee of happiness. There are so many marriages breaking up and l am afraid that l might become another victim. In the meantime, I want to be able to make enough money.

STIFF RESPONSE:

To say the truth, you sound frank and a kinda nice lady. At your age, I say work hard and learn the ropes and you’ll probably get a good man to make you happy and spend your money.

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DORCAS WANJIKU, 24

People should not get married before they are 30 years old and over. By then, the couple is more mature and can be able to resolve various problems that arise in marriage.

I do not wish to get married.

STIFF RESPONSE:

To prescribe the rules of marriage to all and sundry and round it off by saying that you do not wish to get married is just plain lame. Are you a feminist?

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MARGARET CHESARO, 25

I do not want to be stigmatised. The society despises single women. I am still single because I have to settle down first and achieve my goals. I also believe I am still young but soon, I have to make my life complete.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Good, at least you sound sober. But don’t fear society and live the life you want, after all life is short and you only live once.

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CECILIA MWENDE, 26

I am not the type to rush into marriage which might end up in separation. Marriage is the last thing on my mind. But it is a necessity now because as a way of reducing chances of contracting the HIV/Aids virus.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Another sober lady. I hope you get a good and faithful man to make you happy.

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TERESIA WAIRIMU, 26

I first want to enjoy my life before I commit my life to somebody who will not guarantee total freedom to do as I want, when l want! I am not in a hurry to settle down.

STIFF RESPONSE:

You should be, even if it means settling down solo.

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FLORA NAITORE, 22

I am not married because I am still very young. I am also discouraged by what I see round me, relationships are taken for granted. My worst fear is to get married and then be left alone to raise children.

STIFF RESPONSE:

No need to get paranoid (esp at your tender age) about getting divorced and left alone to raise children. Kenyan courts have become empowered and transparent and we even have a family court division headed by Martha Koome formerly the feminist-in-chief at FIDA and Martha Karua’s sidekick. You’ll squeeze the poor guy dry, trust me.

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ELIZABETH SUMBA

I am single because I haven’t met anybody who I find suitable and worth my lifelong commitment. Most of the men are just jokers. I would like to get married but even if l remain single, it will not bother me.

STIFF RESPONSE:

‘…if l remain single, it will not bother me.’ And yet here you are commenting on it so it bothers you. No wonder you haven’t revealed your age, or Nation held it back in public interest, coz your picture in the print edition makes you look like you are past 35 and you’ve lost appeal and probably all your vitality and virility too.

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CONSOLATA RIMBERIA, 26

Marriage is not something to just rush into haphazardly. The reason am not married is because I like to take my time to get to know somebody. I want to be sure that there are no surprises for me.

STIFF RESPONSE:

Read a lot of Mills and Boon back in the day, didn’t you? Love, as we all know is overrated. I read on wikipedia that a molecule known as the Nerve Growth Factor is at its highest levels when two people fall in love; and it lasts about a year. It's a chemical reaction and it's all in our heads. If it's meant to be, love will happen regardless of whether you get to know each other before having sex and getting married. Having sex before wasting time getting to know each other will only bring you closer together - literally if not emotionally - in a more relaxed state, and therefore you're more likely to be yourselves, know each other and get married without any pretence involved.

PS: Next, we’ll tackle these men who responded to Nation survey one-by-one. Happy 2007 once again, and don’t stay single!