The 24 sexiest Kenyans……

I happened to overhear a discussion in a cybercafé over the weekend between two trendy, sublimal and urbane ladies who were chatting with some guy online. The gist of the conversation was to the effect that the October 2006 issue of True Love magazine carried photos of 24 sexy Kenyans, and wow wasn’t it great, at least they could now pursue Tom Mboya. Naturally, curiosity got the better of me and I got itchy. I could not even settle down anymore and had to shoot off an e-mail off to some lady to please bring her copy to the office on Monday! So yesterday I rushed to the office and read it all, and to say the least I felt let down. All my excitement waned and I felt belittled to say the least.

The general dictionary definition of the word sexy is ‘arousing or tending to arouse sexual desire or interest’. Off the cuff, this term is generically concerned with sex, although there could be the meaning of being excitingly appealing like ‘a sexy new plasma TV’. However, I understand that this magazine is targeted at the ladies and this list appears to have created some murmurs judging by my colleagues here, mostly of approval although, as usual there are a few naysayers, yours truly included.

To the publishers of True Love: Nice crusade you've got going on in your latest issue. You know, I never say anything about someone until I've had the balls to say it: Now this listing probably creates additional revenue for you, but it also takes up my valuable time as I have to write messages like this, and your readers probably get ticked off over wasted money and effort, unless they live in the same hallway of yesteryear like you.

Here is my take on some individuals on the list, and I welcome your views as well. I have mentioned some of the 24 (not Jack Bauer’s 24, sorry to disappoint you) and proceed to give my take on the individual and you can correct me if I am wrong (please) or share all the juicy details you have stashed up s’where, or just tell me what a scoundrel I am!

Tedd Josiah: He who of the Blue Framez Cinema fame and brought Vipi to our visual tubes, and the same guy who awarded himself Kisima Awards when he was the organizer, is now one of the sexiest Kenyans around. Putting Tedd Josiah at the beginning of a list of sexy Kenyans is a symptom of the start of another useless listing. Reality shows us on a daily basis that schemes designed to fool Kenyans out of their hard earned cash are on the rise and will only increase, so am surprised that the publishers of True Love have resorted to this. This is not the serious work of an entertainment writer. Tedd Josiah may be one of Kenya’s most successful music producers (remember Audiovault, Sync Sound and now Blue Framez??) But I have my doubts whether he is one of the sexiest. I’ll let the ladies point me in the right direction, coz am probably headed in the opposite, well groomed he is, but is he sexy?

Emma Too: I know most of you are probably giving yourselves the thumbs up that at least she is here. Well, please check your calendar and you’ll notice that this is the year 2006, and she has been around for a lot longer than you believe. When she first appeared on the scene, she was one helluva looker alright, and downright sexay, but in 2006? Please. They’ve listed her as a Landscape Surveyor, and I must admit I do not know what profession that is, star counting? Recording cloud speeds? You tell me.

Waweru Njoroge: No comment. OK one line: Dear Waweru: Don’t feel proud mister, you are supposed to have a job, go to work, go home, spank your pet cat, then go to bed, not tell us you are self-employed and a consultant whilst you got sacked.

Misiko Andere: This is that chubby faced lady who presents Art Scene on KTN. Looking at her picture on True Love, I noticed that she has a tattoo of a dolphin on her …wait for this…left leg! On the shin to be exact. I know you are saying that being sexy is one thing, and being good looking is another, well I agree, but there is no way you are to be labelled sexy if you are ugly and chubby, unless you give everyone a demo. Nuff said.

Angela Angwenyi: This is probably her payoff for winning the Kenya Night series ( I hear she never got her cash prize), but they also tricked her to wear a black and red turban and she’ll look like India Arie. Big mistake.

Tom Mboya: Wipe of the smile from you face young man, and understand that in order to be relevant to all viewers, you need to be consistent with the pronunciation of English consonants. Financials are pronounced [/fɪˈnænʃəl, faɪ-/ Pronunciation Keyfi-nan-shuhls] and not [fee-nan-shuhls] man, and stop relaxing your hair; it has a bad effect on the otherwise superb studio lighting at prime time. One evening I watched you seated next to Sophie Ikenye and you seemed more petite than her!

Lorna Irungu: I have to ask you to forgive my language on this one, or you stop reading. In my 28 years on this earth I have never felt such true emotion being expressed in any form like the time there was a detailed discussion on some lurid pictures that were doing the rounds on the net. Some guys were very convinced it was her, and were like why did she go to some white guy's place if she had a good idea what men are about and what they like. She’s probably mastered the art of sleeping with her eyes open by now. She looks downright ugly and fat in the magazine, and although she still retains that killer smile that got many guys talking in the early 90s, she has no business being on a list of sexy people in 2006. Sure Lorna, we’ve all seen young ladies like you in Nairobi that got their way in everything but you are no longer good enough to get into anybody’s A-list, least of all bed, but it still seems you still think you got game.

Esther Arunga: That’s DJ CK’s newest teen &^%$£, and she sounds good and sexy on radio alright, but she looks a whole lot different, like something out of kids array of toys. In shaggz.

Ojay Hakim: That’s a fashion designer in Nairobi according to the caption. He looks too fatherly, and I guess this is a feeble attempt to appeal to elderly readers. Well, that’s all good, but for your information, elderly readers would probably want to see the likes of a fresh form four leaver with freshness all over him, not some measly moustachioed jackaroo being called sexy.

Debbie Asila: Now this is one I don’t understand. Here is a Beyonce wannabe, complete with a grumpy weave (that covers her forehead and has some braids at the back, yuck,) being masqueraded as sexy.

Regina Re: Now this is one woman who has a commanding presence, and I do not really know if she’s got sex appeal guys. I think she just has those magnetic effects on an audience that cannot necessarily be interpreted to be sexy. If she’s on this list, then Cathrine Kasavuli should be on it as well.

Others on the list are: Caroline Wainaina, John Alan Namu, Thaddeus Jude, Lillian Muli, Morris Odumbe, Doris Anjalo, Ian Ochuka, Florence Machio, Marcus, Michael Oyier, Nameless, Hussein Mohammed and Susan Kaittany.

Notable Absentees: DJ CK(!), Julie Gichuru Butt, Swaleh Mdoe, Leo Faya, and please add your own!

Some of the individuals named above deserve it, but my point here is that a publication risks a lot in engaging in rating how sexy Kenyans are. Rate the musicians, politicians, sportsmen and women and call it that, but saying Kenyans? No way. All the people we meet on the streets are Kenyans and sexy in their own way. I am sure you’ve all seen someone who’s sexy, and you still see them everyday, and they are not on that list.

Some of you bloggers and avid readers (who’ve waited for this lame post, sorry Unyc, Pekiro Princess, Quintessence for the disappointment, I’ll share my September travels shortly) are probably wondering what business I have reading a women’s magazine, but that is all good, sometimes junk gets to you in one way or another just like spam (I spammed those ladies conversation anyhow) . This post is not intended to ridicule or belittle anyone. Instead, it should be a timely reminder to the publishers on how lame they are and those on the list who, in my own personal opinion are not sexy and have no business being on the list, and accepted to be.